True Empathy

As you can probably tell by reading my other posts I am really excited to get married, have a family, and do some of those big things in my life, i'm a very logical kind of person I feel like I need to think about those kind of things for awhile to be prepared to do them. I've been thinking about what it would be like to be married ever since I was a kid, but early on I figured out that I could only think as far as I know about marriage, the more I learned about it caused me to know more, and the more I know the more I thought about it, and the more I thought about it the more prepared I felt for marriage. This has helped me be more and more comfortable for when the time comes. The reason I do this is because I have a fear of messing up and accidently hurting other people's feelings, or at least that is what I think.

So after looking into it a little bit (and with a little experience) I think the most important thing in a healthy relationship is communication. When it comes to communication I think it can come down to two parts, Listening, and Expressing.

Here are some things I have learned that could help you. 

Let's start with listening, this is called the disarming technique if your partner has a weapon of any kind you use you kung fu moves and disarm them, you might ask what this has to do with communication? Nothing. The real technique is listening to what your partner is saying, and trying to find some kind of truth that there saying, something you can own up to. Doing this even when it's unfair to you will show your partner that you are willing to take responsibility for what you've done, and will help them take responsibility as well, just don't force responsibility on them. 

The next thing you can do, is be empathetic with them. Try to put yourself in their shoes, see what they see, and feel what they feel. So after listening to them, try and spot the emotions they could of felt, and if you don't understand what there saying, try rephrasing what there saying to make sure you understand it. This can bring a lot of connection because you start to learn how they think and respond to things. I believe that true empathy brings deeper connection.

The next thing you could do, is be genuinely curious about them, ask gentle probing questions about them, to help form more of that deeper connection. Don't forget it be open back, connection is a two way street.

Now on to how you could better express yourself. One thing you can do, is say "I feel" statements. Like “I feel upset,” rather that “you” statements, such as “You’re wrong!”, or “You’re making me furious!” The I feel statements need to have the emotion in it (it's kind of the flip side to listening) let them hear how you feel while avoiding those "you" statements. This can help de escalate situations.  

The next thing you could do, is find something genuinely positive to say to the other person, even when thing are heated. This can help show that you still care and respect them even when your angry. This one I personally feel like could be that hardest thing to follow, it's hard to keep control/perspective in these moments of anger. 

I hope that some of these things will help you as well as me, when I am able to have the honor of taking up a wife. But I feel like these things could help you in all of your relationships.